I can’t believe how awful this situation is. I am getting absolutely zero support from my family for this move. Or anything, for that matter. My mom is fighting me hard. Every time the trip is brought up (and it’s not even as often as one would think) she only has negativity to offer. We can’t talk without screaming at each other. This is how it’ll be until I move.

I know I’m making things more difficult by not staying calm and collected. I lose my temper very easily. The thing is I started off quiet and pitiful and pleading. That was years ago. I’m at the end of my rope. I can’t offer any patience if I receive no understanding or sympathy or anything. I’m so hurt. I can’t believe this is my life.

I’m seriously just going to leave next week and it’ll barely be a blip in my family members’ lives. Mom will fight me the whole way out, my brother doesn’t even know what I’m doing, my sister knows but is too busy with her own life to pay much attention, and I’m afraid to know what the fuck my dad is up to. According to mom he is drunk all the time, so I’m afraid to try to talk to him. It’s all just too much. There won’t be any real goodbye. I’m so sad things are like this.

And my life is going to get even harder once I leave. We’re going to be so frighteningly poor. We’re going to have to apply for food stamps. I’m afraid I won’t be able to pay my bills. I’m receiving absolutely no support, financially or emotionally, and at this point I need a lot of both kinds.

This is all so surreal. I hope someday I have the words and the perspective to describe it. For now I’m devastated yet somehow biting and clawing my way through. I don’t even know how I’m functioning. I could tell stories for weeks. No one in the world knows what this is like. It’s awful.

I really hope life turns out to be worth this struggle.